Sick of Hearing About Your Great Aunt Hagatha

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A pet peeve of mine has always been idiots at church who “console” me with disgusting tales of some octogenarian, doddering, spinster great aunt who married “for the very first time!” at 82.

A comment that always comes to my mind is, “Why?”

Another question is, “What kind of man would want a disgusting old hag for his wife?” Women are a lot prettier at 22 than 82, in case you hadn’t noticed. Why would some guy marry a decrepit old crone when she couldn’t get anyone when her charms were at their peak?

My guess is the guy is probably in horrible health and impotent. Love plays no role at all. He gets a “nurse with a purse” and Ugly Aunt Haggatha gets the status of a wedding band so the old spite-cats at church will quit mocking her.

There are three reasons to marry. They are as follows:

  1. It’s better to marry than to burn. If Aunt Haggatha has been able to endure the burning for 70 years, is she going to succumb to unchastity at death’s door? Not likely.
  2. Procreation. How many children will Uncle Dudley (Dud for short) and Aunt Haggatha have at age 91 and 82?
  3. Utilitarian yet spiritual marriages. Missionary partners or other evangelism teams. At 82 and 91 Aunt Haggatha and Uncle Dud aren’t likely to do missions work or much of anything. But die.

A lot of widowed or divorced preachers remarry late in life simply because they aren’t ready to retire. (Churches never hire single men–the Apostle Paul isn’t good enough for their conformist mentality.) The widowers’ hearts will always belong completely to their dead wives. Nevertheless a warm body in bed, massages for their rapidly deteriorating bodies, good food, and a gracious hostess make a marriage of convenience ideal.

That still does not explain why Aunt Haggatha agreed to marry Uncle Dud. My guess is to shut up the catty, smug matrons who have been putting her down wedding after wedding. Mother’s Day after Mother’s Day. Valentine’s Day after Valentine’s Day.

But guess what? They still will be spiteful and cruel to Aunt Haggatha. She can never “catch up.” They will always have their 50th anniversaries and decades of memories in the arms of Mr. Right, their children, grandchildren, etc. The cheerleaders who married between 18 and 22 will never accept a withered skeleton (who is finally “lucky” enough to land a marriage of convenience to a widower incapable of loving her.)

The matrons will always despise her; she still won’t fit in. The sex will be non-existent or torturous. Late in life loss of virginity is never a good thing.

How is six months of an outward form of marriage with a senile old geezer she can never love or even like supposed to compensate for over 60 years of crushing loneliness? Answer: it can’t.

At 44 my heart is dead and I no longer desire men. Too old for kids. If I met a nice guy tomorrow it would be too late. And frankly, God’s not cruel enough to play that kind of joke on me. Too old for love.

 

 

 

 

 

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Sick of Hearing About Your Great Aunt Hagatha

First Church of the Smiley Faces

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Come in my friend!
Bring your wife and kids too.
I like what you're wearing.
Here. Sit in this pew.

In this wonderful church
Where everyone's rich
And everyone's blessed
With a partner and kids.

Among the redeemed
And elect it appears
No one gets gloomy
Or sheds any tears.

Sometimes folks come in
Who haven't a spouse.
Losers and bums who
Do not own a house.

When they come, close your eyes.
We'll pretend that we pray,
Then our prayers will be answered.
They'll all go away.

 

First Church of the Smiley Faces

A Love Song to Hillsong

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I wish to show my gratitude for what the Hillsong conglomerate has done for contemporary worship. The deep, meaningful lyrics combined with distinctive music  in all the songs they grind out as a labor–purely of love not lucre–inspired me to write this.

 

Love Ya Hillsong

 

Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.

A lengthy period for the super awesome guitar solo. If your ears aren’t already bleeding this will take  care of that.

Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.
Love ya Hillsong. You write music good.

Perhaps you don’t like this song. Tough. I didn’t write it for your enjoyment but to honor Hillsong.

I’m sure any lyricist or composer working in Hillsong assembly line must be highly honored if they read these words. Since this kind of song is what they consider good enough for Jesus….

 

 

 

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A Love Song to Hillsong

Virgin Shaming in the Church

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I need to apologize. My attitude in writing this post was bitter, unloving and sinful.

The reason I’m not deleting the whole thing? For one thing my critiques of the article were perfectly true, but unloving. Most importantly, I want to show that I’m also a sinner in need of mercy as well as grace.

 

A lot of singles are leaving the church now. I refuse to leave because the Bible says we are not to forsake the Assembly. That said, I dislike going, find it a miserable drudgery and act of penance, and strongly suspect most of the real church members–the smug, sanctimonious couples who count–would just as soon we all leave or better yet vanish from existence. But I digress.

My real issue is with an article written by Matthew Cochran published in The Federalist. http://www.thefederalist.com/2014/06/09four-myths-about-the-helpless-single-woman/Despite (possibly) good intentions, it’s obvious to this single woman that Cochran is clueless about his subject matter.

Cochran addresses a previous article he finds disagrees with written by a single woman. While Matthew Cochran is a man who hasn’t likely been single since his teens he feels he knows all about this subject. After all, he is married and has a Y chromosome. Therefore he must be a spiritual giant.

Hear are the four statements she made that he considers mythical. (Warning: I have indulged my satirical impulse and grossly exaggerated some of Cochran’s statements. If you want to know his exact words please follow the link.)

  1. We’re Victims. Yes, regardless of what God hands you, considering yourself a victim is counterproductive. But according to Matthew Cochran we’re a bunch of sinful lepers  who deserve to be marginalized because we were not “proactive” in seeking out husbands when we were younger. This has got me scratching my head. What were we supposed to do? Set out deer traps baited with homemade pies? Cochran fails to remember that back in the 80’s and 90’s when there were more men available for us Gen-Xers, it was considered unseemly for girls to even tell guys they liked them unless the guy said he liked you first. If you asked a guy out he would assume you were easy. The only way to “get a guy” was to be thin, blonde and perky. A severe eating disorder was a bonus. Wear a whole mess of caked on make-up. And tight revealing clothes. (Those mini skirts showed Christian guys how spiritual you were. Ha ha.) It helped to be an airhead, or at least conceal any intelligence or common sense God blessed you with. You also had to be a social adept, saying “yes” when you meant “no” and vice versa. Lots of brainless, boring small talk that was absolutely meaningless white noise. Guys didn’t have to prattle stupidly, but girls did, plus you had to giggle all the time when nothing was even funny! Some guys at college complained about this, but they always dated the giggle geese. If you weren’t pretty enough or couldn’t figure out the “rules” to the dating game in a month or so you were disqualified and no guy on campus would date you. Ever. So, rules have changed over the years. Despite Cochran’s desire to pin all the blame on spinsters there have been a lot of changes recently we haven’t all been able to keep up with. It’s easier to assume that bad things only happen to those who were asking for it. Just ask Job’s buddies. (I wonder if Cochran’s wife proactively pursued him. Most conservative guys get scared by aggressive husband-hunters and call them unfeminine.)
  2. Biology Changes a Woman’s Behavior. Cochran also thinks that we imagine we can have babies in our nineties like Sarah. We don’t realize how quickly our biological clocks are ticking without fellows like Matthew Cochran to remind us of the fact. Thus our rebellious desire to stay single. His solution? Panic and husband hunt for crying out loud! “Proactively” chase anything in pants, while armed with nets and tranquilizer darts. When guys see you hunting for something with a pulse to drag to the altar they won’t be able to resist your charms. We all know how men love desperate, clingy women. Right?
  3. There Are No Good Men. Cochran counters we’re all just too picky. We only want to date Brad Pitt clones, bad boys who drive around on motorcycles. I never have gone for Alpha males; I always liked Nice Guys. But they didn’t feel likewise, hence we never dated. The fact is, out of all the churches I have visited recently, there were 0 single men over 20 attending. It’s either marry a pagan or steal another woman’s husband. Both unacceptable. According to Cochran, we are single because we all are addicted to hard core porn and watch so many Hollywood movies we confuse them with real life. News flash! I hate television shows and almost never see movies. If I had my choice of any Hollywood hunk I would choose none of them because their godless lifestyles sicken me. As far as porn goes, I avoid “Christian romances” and the tripe by Nicholas Sparks–so no I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey.  “…it is time to find new media and social circles before writing off many marriageable men who already feel invisible.” Where are these many marriageable men? What alternate universe does Matthew Cochran inhabit? Any marriageable men in my church or community must not only be invisible but inaudible and unregistered by any other bodily senses as well. More likely they don’t exist. No doubt Cochran would blame us for that too. It’s always the single woman’s fault!
  4. Singleness Is Holier. Now begins Cochran’s real virgin bashing. He starts off by saying that celibacy is impossible therefore we must all be a bunch of harlots. If you say that you’re still a virgin you’re a lying hypocrite as well as a harlot because no one can go without sex! (Some Christian married men must lie awake at night fantasizing about the wild sexual escapades they would have if they were still bachelors. Then they pin their lustful thoughts on Christian singles. That’s called projection in psychology.) He goes on to say that even if you are one of those ascetic weirdos (aka virgins) with that gift nobody wants you must spend your days perched on a pillar in the desert. You’re of no use to God or the Church at all and are vastly inferior to wives and mothers spiritually as well as every other way that counts. Apparently Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, weddings and all our marriage seminars have failed to convince you that you’re a bunch of pathetic losers and a disgrace to the Kingdom of Heaven. Get lost Mary of Bethany! Martha’s the real hero after all.

Pardon me while I go vomit.

Virgin Shaming in the Church