I Didn’t Know This Was a Satire

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I came across this site the other day.

https://www.landoverbaptists.net

I can’t provide direct access to the article. It was “God Hates Asexuals.” The alleged preacher rants that even if you are impotent or sterile from sickness or an accident or can’t find a marriage partner, you’ll go to Hell for refusing to fulfill the Biblical mandate in Genesis 1:28.

I though, “Gee this guy is cruel! Whatever causes folks to not desire sex why do these ‘Christians’ have it in for them? Impotency, sickness, and childhood traumas are unfortunate, but they are not sins.”

I googled to see if they were affiliated with the Westboro Baptists. Nope. It’s a satire site.

I honestly couldn’t tell. It looked like one of Al Mohler’s or Russel Moore’s over-the-top rants. Being chaste and obeying God ain’t enough for these guys. You’ve got to have a smokin’ hot wife, lots of green for the offering plate, a MacMansion on earth (over the hilltop doesn’t count now) and at least 3 kids as proof of your salvation. If you’re a woman you’d better BE a smokin’ hot wife.

As a single woman I have agonized and desperately dated with every major online app–not because of sex (though that would be nice) or an empty house but it’s 100% essential for love and acceptance at any church I can think of. When I failed to land a godly Christian husband I questioned my salvation.

Yes Jesus loves me. But His body rejects me. It must have lupus, since it keeps turning on its own organs. Not even for sins, but stupid stuff. Disabilities, ugliness, poverty, and lack of the required spouse and kids Janette Oke promised all good Christian girls if we saved it for marriage, trusted God, and ate our veggies.

I wish I could leave. Sick of how they treat me! (Unknowingly I guess. Their put downs are supposedly funny and their  insensitive platitudes are supposed to cheer me up.) For Christ’s sake I suck it up, hold my nose, and endure church.

Then go home and weep.

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I Didn’t Know This Was a Satire

Sick of Hearing About Your Great Aunt Hagatha

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A pet peeve of mine has always been idiots at church who “console” me with disgusting tales of some octogenarian, doddering, spinster great aunt who married “for the very first time!” at 82.

A comment that always comes to my mind is, “Why?”

Another question is, “What kind of man would want a disgusting old hag for his wife?” Women are a lot prettier at 22 than 82, in case you hadn’t noticed. Why would some guy marry a decrepit old crone when she couldn’t get anyone when her charms were at their peak?

My guess is the guy is probably in horrible health and impotent. Love plays no role at all. He gets a “nurse with a purse” and Ugly Aunt Haggatha gets the status of a wedding band so the old spite-cats at church will quit mocking her.

There are three reasons to marry. They are as follows:

  1. It’s better to marry than to burn. If Aunt Haggatha has been able to endure the burning for 70 years, is she going to succumb to unchastity at death’s door? Not likely.
  2. Procreation. How many children will Uncle Dudley (Dud for short) and Aunt Haggatha have at age 91 and 82?
  3. Utilitarian yet spiritual marriages. Missionary partners or other evangelism teams. At 82 and 91 Aunt Haggatha and Uncle Dud aren’t likely to do missions work or much of anything. But die.

A lot of widowed or divorced preachers remarry late in life simply because they aren’t ready to retire. (Churches never hire single men–the Apostle Paul isn’t good enough for their conformist mentality.) The widowers’ hearts will always belong completely to their dead wives. Nevertheless a warm body in bed, massages for their rapidly deteriorating bodies, good food, and a gracious hostess make a marriage of convenience ideal.

That still does not explain why Aunt Haggatha agreed to marry Uncle Dud. My guess is to shut up the catty, smug matrons who have been putting her down wedding after wedding. Mother’s Day after Mother’s Day. Valentine’s Day after Valentine’s Day.

But guess what? They still will be spiteful and cruel to Aunt Haggatha. She can never “catch up.” They will always have their 50th anniversaries and decades of memories in the arms of Mr. Right, their children, grandchildren, etc. The cheerleaders who married between 18 and 22 will never accept a withered skeleton (who is finally “lucky” enough to land a marriage of convenience to a widower incapable of loving her.)

The matrons will always despise her; she still won’t fit in. The sex will be non-existent or torturous. Late in life loss of virginity is never a good thing.

How is six months of an outward form of marriage with a senile old geezer she can never love or even like supposed to compensate for over 60 years of crushing loneliness? Answer: it can’t.

At 44 my heart is dead and I no longer desire men. Too old for kids. If I met a nice guy tomorrow it would be too late. And frankly, God’s not cruel enough to play that kind of joke on me. Too old for love.

 

 

 

 

 

Sick of Hearing About Your Great Aunt Hagatha

Pills for Love

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“Steve” attended a church where my dad preached when I was in my early teens. His appearance was unusual. Dark bushy hair and full, wild beard in the eighties  when that wasn’t the fashion. His grooming was not great, and he was pale with wild eyes. His voice sounded high, nasal and slightly whiny most of the time.

Every now and then he  became hopeful to the point of becoming extremely excited and irrational. During these times he became convinced God had divinely appointed him to become President of the USA–but if he failed the whole world would go to Hell. And he–Steve–would be to blame.

Steve had been diagnosed with bipolar. Out of concern for Steve’s welfare Dad contacted his psychiatrist. (With Steve’s permission.”) According to the soul-doctor, all Steve had to do was take his pills exactly as prescribed. If he did that, stuff like being unemployed, deserted by his wife, and shunned by humanity would quit bothering him. And, more importantly, he would quit bothering us.

Dad was perhaps the only person there who saw Steve as a suffering human being. Everyone else treated him like something they scraped off their shoe bottom.

Psychiatry may have not helped Steve feel better, but it helped the rest of us immensely. It’s okay to treat “crazies” like pieces of garbage as long as we keep yelling at them to shut up and take their pills. If they bug us too much, get them locked up.

They have mental illnesses instead of feelings or thoughts after all. Why do they go to church when they really don’t have souls–just defective brains and mental illnesses? The yuppies at my church did a great job freezing Steve out I can tell you.

Though the pills addled his thinking–they really are about rendering patients docile rather than restoring cognitive abilities–Steve could still tell everyone wanted him gone. Soon enough he left.

Jesus came to our door looking for love and friendship. We told him to take his medicines and leave us alone. “If you want to talk to someone, talk to a professional. We aren’t ‘equipped’ to deal with people like you.”

“If you did it not for the least of these, you did it not for Me.”

Weep for shame American Christians!

 

Pills for Love

Why I Quit Dating After 40? Don’t Want to be a Discount Hooker

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After I turned forty I quit dating. Not against dating. In the old days it used to help people–my grandparents and parents–decide to get married.

Nowadays it’s just a form of discount prostitution. When a godly woman refuses to play the whore,  guys get upset. They may call themselves Christians, we may meet them on Christian dating sites but they don’t act the part.

Some women pretend they’re happy to be used like hookers when they’re too old for marriage. I would rather spend every evening alone till I die than get involved with the cruel, soul-devouring hook up culture.

Nowadays, especially after 30, we women get told how worthless and used up we are. We have “no value” men say–aging Don Juans who are far from the gorgeous studs they delude themselves into seeing in the mirror. Doddering, diseased Cassanovas who demand virgins less than half their age should they weary of acting like tom cats and decide to settle down.

I comfort myself that God sees my insides. I’m not the ugly one. These would-be seducers are. They’re ruining their own value by treating fellow humans like disposable napkins to throw in a landfill after using them.

Not very loving or Christian, boys! (They may be bald and wrinkled, but mentally they are stuck at age 14.)

No more online dating sites. Statistics show they are time wasters for women over a certain age. Sadly that’s the only way I can find dates. Bachelors marry or leave church by age 23 it seems. And all the men my age I know–unmarried and desiring dates–are unrepentant womanizers. They deny that a woman my age could be pure. Like they know anything about purity in themselves or the women they have always preferred to date.

The Bible refers to men like this as whore mongers. The male counterparts to whores. They really should be willing to settle for “used up” women tired of the carousel since they are the perfect match for them–used up men tired of the carousel. That would be a marriage of true minds.

I have always wanted a single (unmarried) Christian man of upright character. Income and looks were very flexible. Good luck finding that now! The only decent Christian men my age are married or Catholic priests. Also a few contented male celibates who act like priests–I assume at least one or two of my readers are. Glad men are faithful to their wives or single life beneath God.

I never wanted to spend my life in aching loneliness. But playing the whore never filled the void in a woman’s heart. I’ll take the convent any day.

It’s strange how easy even at my age it is to find artful seducers looking for a one-night stand. Attractive men of 30 or so. A lot of godly single friends of mine see this too. No marriage proposals but plenty of hook up lines.

Flattering as it is to be treated like a discount prostitute, it’s an honor I’ll forego, thank you very much. Thanks to the suffragettes we don’t have to prostitute ourselves or starve when no decent man marries us. Plenty of honorable ways to earn our daily bread now.

Afraid Don Juan will have to shell out more than the price of a McDonalds Happy Meal if he wants a “Lovely Lady” for one night. I don’t have to settle for this debasing treatment and I won’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Quit Dating After 40? Don’t Want to be a Discount Hooker

The Problem with Purity Pledges

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Let me make it clear; I am all for purity. There is no Biblical alternative.

Either monogamy in a God sanctioned marriage or celibacy.  (Neither option is easy. Both require hard work and self denial.)

Purity culture is a bizarre, cult-like movement. But for now I will only focus on the pledges.

These pledges existed outside the “Purity Culture.” True Love Waits was all the rage when I was a teen in the 80’s. Some guys even signed these pledges.

Sadly few had the tenacity to follow through till they married. Even those who married young.

Ironically I never signed the pledge. “True Love” never showed. It probably never will. My vigil must endure till eternity meets the present.

I wish I had been able to marry. Sometimes I grieve the lost opportunity of motherhood. But if I can’t be a matron at least I can be a maid.

It has been worth the fight. Rejecting promiscuity–there were always men available for one night stands, but no marriage proposals–has helped me maintain a healthy respect for men as well as the body God has loaned me. I am not my own, but bought with a price.

I am not opposed to the Pledge exactly. The problem I see is not only is it not working but for a Christian it is redundant.

A 17 year old Christian shouldn’t have to take a pledge to keep his body pure. What he needs to do is remember the pledge he made 10 years ago when he came forward and offered himself to Jesus. That was a Purity Pledge. He gave himself body and soul to Jesus when he took him as his LORD and Master. Being saved is not fire insurance!

Even as a kid of 15 or 16 I remember shaking my head, though I never expressed my doubts. Throughout history we have been called to suffer loss of property, character assassination, imprisonment, and being ripped apart by lions. Is “not scoring” till after you marry really that big a sacrifice when you consider what Jesus did for you?

The Problem with Purity Pledges

An Epistle of Straw?

There are two problems I have with the great reformer Martin Luther. As much as I appreciate his starting the Reformation, pointing out corruption in the Church of the time, and emphasizing salvation by grace through faith rather than works here are my disagreements with him.

  1. Some nasty and even paranoid things he said about the Jews. I can’t help wondering if this paved the way for the much later anti-Semite  stance taken by the Lutheran Church during World War II. (That is worthy of at least one post of its own!)
  2. Luther almost kept the Epistle of James out of the New Testament canon. Though he reluctantly allowed it in with the rest, he called it an “Epistle of Straw.”

Come on Marty! That’s no way to talk about a part of the Bible. I would like to leave out parts of Romans that I don’t like or understand fully, but I won’t. I don’t even cut out the Song of Songs in my devotions, though my preacher smugly says that they will be having a Bible study on it for “marrieds only.”

What bothered Martin Luther was that James seems at first glance to be preaching good works as a way to get to Heaven. Of course this would bother a reformer who had been struggling with being “good enough” all his life and finally found the freedom of grace.

James gives a lot of practical advice on how we should live out our lives as Christians.

  • He mentions that we should rejoice when persecuted and not blame God when tempted.
  • We should obey God’s Word rather than just listening to or reading it.
  • My personal favorite–don’t play favorites in Church.
  • Your good deeds are proof of salvation.
  • Watch what you say!
  • Seek true wisdom from God.
  • Submit your being to God.
  • Commend your future plans to God because only He knows the future.
  • Don’t be arrogant if you happen to be rich; don’t oppress the poor.
  • Be patient when you suffer.
  • Always pray in faith.

Was James at odds with Paul? Was he teaching that we get to Heaven because we follow the list above? Does God’s Word contradict itself or should the Epistle of James simply be cut out of the canon?

No, no and no.

I have a strange question to ask my reader. Is it your body or your soul that makes you alive? Think about it.

Your soul is the true source of life. Without it, there is no real you, just a lifeless corpse that won’t last much longer as decay sets in.

But then, what are you without your body? Just a disembodied spirit.

Just as the soul needs the body to make the human being complete and to make an impression on the world around us, so our saving faith needs good works to become a complete and living faith and make an impression on the world around us. As James says, faith without works is dead!

Without faith our good deeds are a decaying corpse–a stench in the nostrils of our most high God.

Without works our faith is a mere ghost. It is the kind of thing you can even find among the demons of Hell who believe that Jesus is the Son of God–and shudder.

Life comes from faith, that is true. It animates us and saves us. Let us not forget, though, that the good works show we have true, strawsaving faith. Without works our faith is indeed dead and no threat to the forces of Hell at all. Faith saves us; works are evidence of that faith.

Abraham’s faith led him to Mt. Moriah. Although God prevented him from killing Isaac, that three day journey and binding Isaac to the altar proved his faith. If Abraham had refused to go, his faith in God would have been worthless.

We are saved by grace, through faith, for good works. If good works aren’t evident in our lives we need to reevaluate our faith, because the fact is our faith is not evident either.

We must remember that.

An Epistle of Straw?