I Didn’t Know This Was a Satire

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I came across this site the other day.

https://www.landoverbaptists.net

I can’t provide direct access to the article. It was “God Hates Asexuals.” The alleged preacher rants that even if you are impotent or sterile from sickness or an accident or can’t find a marriage partner, you’ll go to Hell for refusing to fulfill the Biblical mandate in Genesis 1:28.

I though, “Gee this guy is cruel! Whatever causes folks to not desire sex why do these ‘Christians’ have it in for them? Impotency, sickness, and childhood traumas are unfortunate, but they are not sins.”

I googled to see if they were affiliated with the Westboro Baptists. Nope. It’s a satire site.

I honestly couldn’t tell. It looked like one of Al Mohler’s or Russel Moore’s over-the-top rants. Being chaste and obeying God ain’t enough for these guys. You’ve got to have a smokin’ hot wife, lots of green for the offering plate, a MacMansion on earth (over the hilltop doesn’t count now) and at least 3 kids as proof of your salvation. If you’re a woman you’d better BE a smokin’ hot wife.

As a single woman I have agonized and desperately dated with every major online app–not because of sex (though that would be nice) or an empty house but it’s 100% essential for love and acceptance at any church I can think of. When I failed to land a godly Christian husband I questioned my salvation.

Yes Jesus loves me. But His body rejects me. It must have lupus, since it keeps turning on its own organs. Not even for sins, but stupid stuff. Disabilities, ugliness, poverty, and lack of the required spouse and kids Janette Oke promised all good Christian girls if we saved it for marriage, trusted God, and ate our veggies.

I wish I could leave. Sick of how they treat me! (Unknowingly I guess. Their put downs are supposedly funny and theirĀ  insensitive platitudes are supposed to cheer me up.) For Christ’s sake I suck it up, hold my nose, and endure church.

Then go home and weep.

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I Didn’t Know This Was a Satire

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