Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see Your precious Church again…
Want to know why people are really leaving Your Church? Seeing the bride You gave Your blood and life for slowly dying stinks, don’t it?
I can imagine the panic on Your face Jesus.
I see You desperately trying to rekindle her first love, stir her from her lukewarm apathy, and end the bickering among her members. I know the terror You must feel as You watch Your darling bride slip away inch by inch.
Here’s a list of our demands needed to get us back to save Your church.
- Higher quality entertainment on the Sunday mornings we feel like dropping in. The music is okay cause it almost never triggers us, doesn’t make us think hard, and sounds like the stuff we listen to all week. Except now and then you get a bibley sounding phrase snuck in. (Keep it relevant.) But the praise bands are all amateurs. And way older and uglier than Taylor Swift. The coffee is poor quality and no avocado toast. And the stand up comic usually does his routine too long. Yeah, he’s sometimes funny but he sure isn’t woke. Just because the entertainment is free is no reason to set the bar so low.
- Stick to trendy, popular messages so we can keep all our friends. Seriously. What good is an unpopular virtue you’re afraid to post on Snapchat or Twitter? You let them preach this stuff that has nothing to do with pop culture or the latest fad. Just because You’re the same yesterday, today, and forever is no excuse for not keeping things relevant. Do You have any idea how much trouble we’ll have if we hold to ALL the teachings on campus? How we’ll be called haters, racists, bigots, and other stuff? Why don’t You just ask us to lop off parts of our bodies while You’re at it? I can’t even….
- Christianity’s not all about You. We need You to stay home from church a little more. Really. How are we gonna get our Buddhist, Muslim, and atheist friends to come to church when You and Your icky cross are there to trigger them? Way to embarrass us in front of our friends Jesus! Maybe only show once a month on the Sunday that isn’t seeker friendly so our friends won’t think Christianity is for losers. Just saying….
- Only fight battles with good press coverage. Fighting poverty is cool. So’s injustice–that is only the kinds classified under the 7 Deadly Isms–but standing up for the smallest and weakest of all is intolerant and misogynist. Forget that. We’ll fight pollution but don’t ask us to love on our Nazi enemies! Your whole Sermon on the Mount reeks of intolerance. Instead of reaffirming all expressions of sexuality You say we can’t even have sexy fantasies about anyone of any gender. Very judgmental of You. You say we need to give our own clothes away instead of voting for others to give to the poor. Way to hate on the poor! And if we turned the other cheek instead of punching the less woke we would be social justice PACIFISTS. Way less cool than warriors. And no mention of gun control laws either.
If You do not carry through on these demands Your church will die. As we all know without the rich young people in North America and Europe on Your side You are completely helpless. Not like You can use other races in other lands who aren’t into checking their privileges like us woke whites. Lol. Without our smarts and bravery You are nothing.
Loving This World